I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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