the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
