I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
