please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We had sex on a dog bed..
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
