my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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