you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i already hear my dad disowning me
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize