I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I understand Curling. That high.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize