I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
