A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
