you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Apparently you make a good broom.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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