last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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