maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
