i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
