Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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