I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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