I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
