I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm too high and old for this...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
