please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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