I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
