Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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