Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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