I wish my penis had an off switch
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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