I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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