So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
