I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
