"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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