you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The best revenge is premature balding
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
i think my cat just said my name.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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