1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
