Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
