I think I won the penis lottery.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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