Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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