life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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