I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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