So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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