JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
