Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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