I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Oh god it's open bar.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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