I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
