I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
