No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
