Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
did you just send me my own nude
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
