turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
