Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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