TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
