shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
