She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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