I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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