I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize