so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
