put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
