he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
