she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
