i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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