I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
