We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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