i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
