When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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