I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
